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Top 40 Humorous Quotes and Sayings

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He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise. Here are some best funny quotes and sayings.


01. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell


02. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. — Anonymous


03. If I won the award for laziness, I would  send somebody  to pick it up for me. — Anonymous


04. Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day. — Anonymous


05. When nothing is going right, go left.  — Anonymous


06. Mosquitoes are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood. — Anonymous



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07. I changed my password  everywhere to 'incorrect.' That  way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your  password is  incorrect.' — Anonymous


08. When you wake  up at 6 in the  morning, you close your eyes  for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close  your eyes for 5  minutes and it's  2:31. — Anonymous


09. I wish my wallet  came with free refills. — Anonymous



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10. Dear Math, please grow up and  solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you. — Anonymous

                                          
11. 80% of boys have girlfriends.. Rest 20% boys are having brain. — Anonymous


12. My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost. — Anonymous
                                        

13. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now  I'm scared! — Anonymous


14. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. — Anonymous



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15. If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you. — Anonymous


16. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window. — Anonymous



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17. My six pack is protected by a  layer of fat. — Anonymous


18. God is really creative, I mean.. just look at me! — Anonymous


19. Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. — Anonymous


20. In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you.  In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry! — Anonymous


21. When the past  comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new  to tell you. — Anonymous


22. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is  never seen again. — Anonymous


23. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. — Anonymous



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24. Video games are actually the only legal place to kill stupid people! — Anonymous


25. A relationship  without trust is like a cell phone  with no service, all you can do is  play games. — Anonymous


26. They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it. — Anonymous


27. I never let my schooling interfere with my education. — Anonymous


28. Never laugh at your wife’s choices… you are one of them. — Anonymous


29. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. —  Yogi Berra


30. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. — Anonymous


31. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?  — Jerry Seinfeld


32. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. — Kyle Chandler


33. If one child makes you a parent more than two children must make you a referee. — Anonymous



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34. I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode. — Anonymous


35. You can never buy Love... But still you have to pay for it! — Anonymous


36. If money grew on trees, then girls would be dating monkeys. — Anonymous


37. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software... it's called Monday, please fix it. — Anonymous


38. Life is too short smile while you still have teeth. — Anonymous


39. If I steal church's wi-fi, will I receive signal of God? — Anonymous


40. There's like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world. — Anonymous